


Cards Against Dipper's Sanity

by siderealOtaku



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Cards Against Humanity, Crack, Drabble, Gen, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 04:33:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3796843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siderealOtaku/pseuds/siderealOtaku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mabel has made a game. Dipper isn't sure he wants to play. He's also not sure if he has a choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cards Against Dipper's Sanity

Dipper rubbed his eyes. Blinked. Rubbed his eyes again.

It was still there. He was still seeing it. It was not his imagination, nor a dream (not even some Bill Cipher-induced crazy hallucination) nor the result of dipping into one of the packets of Das Flavor Pups Mabel keeps insisting she isn’t sneaking from the boarded-up convenience store. 

It was real. 

Fleetingly, he imagines what the Author would have had to say about this particular situation. The heading in blood-red, drippy ink: _A Recipe for Disaster_. Then the following equation, all in that neat, precise hand: _One Mabel + One Candy + One Half Grenda_ (spread-eagled on the carpet, fast asleep, snoring mightily and cuddling one of Grunkle Stan’s slippers) _\+ One Industrial-Size Carton of Sprinkles + Two Empty Tubs of Ice Cream + Five Empty Soda Bottles = VERY DANGEROUS, KEEP AWAY FROM AT ALL COSTS._

Sadly, the Author did not have the kindness to forewarn him, and the handy Journal #3 had no useful tips for getting out of this particular situation. 

Sitting on the living room floor, hovering somewhere between ‘challenge’ ‘invitation’ and ‘inevitable doom,’ is a stack of cards. 

‘Cards’ is barely even the right word. They’re ripped-up pieces of paper, obviously torn from one of Mabel’s Lisa Frank notebooks (the now-empty cover, featuring a green cat wearing purple sunglasses and lounging on a bright orange beach, lies in the corner, quickly being devoured by Waddles). Though the papers in question are pink, about one-third of them have BLACK scrawled on the back in Grenda’s near-indecipherable penmanship, with the other two-thirds reading WHITE in Candy’s neater hand. 

Next to the very pink pile is what used to be a cereal box. Mabel has used her glitteriest of gold Magic Markers to cross out “Frosted Flakes”. Written in its place, covering Tony the Tiger’s usual overstretched grin, are the words CARDS AGAINST DIPPER PINES. 

“Mabel-“ Dipper doubts he’ll get to finish the question. 

He’s right. “Remember that time we were at Tambry’s house and Thompson brought that Cards Against Humanity game?” Mabel flashes him her signature thousand-watt smile. 

How could he forget? The teens coming up with the raunchiest card combinations imaginable, his and Mabel’s faces falling lower and lower as they attempted to convince the others of the humor inherent in ‘a micropig in booties’ or ‘a falcon with a cap on its head’ or, best of all, ‘Bees?’

“Well, it was an objectively terrible game, so we have improved it.” Candy pushes her glasses up her nose as she explains. 

“I’m more than a little scared to see what the…new and improved…cards say,” Dipper attempts to push past the three girls and make his way to the safety of the bedroom, but nearly trips over the still-sleeping Grenda and is pushed back into a sitting position by Mabel. 

“Too bad, little brother, because we need one more player.”   
“Isn’t four still too-“ 

“Hey, dudes.” He looks up to see not just Soos, but a reluctant looking Grunkle Stan and a somewhat smiling Wendy. 

“Mabel,” Dipper groans. “You have plenty of players without me.” 

His sister bounds across the room, pushing the corners of his mouth up with her pointer fingers. “Yeah, little bro, but none of them are you.” She laughs, a strange sound that actually sounds like _hyuk, hyuk, hyuk,_ and gestures for those present to sit in a circle. 

She explains the rules. Soos nods as though she’s declaiming a passage from the Bible. Grunkle Stan complains that it sounds like the stupidest game ever, but Dipper can tell there’s no real malice in his words. Wendy gives Mabel and Candy a thumbs-up and a “hey, cool” when she hears that they made the deck themselves. Grenda snores. 

Mabel asks for volunteers to be first judge. Predictably, nobody responds. Even more predictably, she attempts to nominate Waddles, who ignores her and continues chewing the cereal box. Needless to say, Mabel ends up assuming the position herself, and flips over the first BLACK (pink) card with her usual flourish. 

“What kind of creature did Lazy Susan tell the whole town was trying to steal her pie this week?” Mabel reads. Despite himself, Dipper cracks a smile. For the first time, he realizes that Mabel’s perceptiveness and surprising insight and awareness about the people of Gravity Falls could actually make this game….well, funny. 

He flips over the seven WHITE (pink) cards that Candy has dealt him. In a mix of the three girls’ handwriting styles, he reads: 

_  
Bill Cipher’s silly little top hat_

_< 3 SEV’RAL TIMEZ XOXOXO <3_

_A man that’s actually six gnomes standing on top of each other_

_Grunkle Stan before his morning coffee and money-counting session_

_Those weird noises that Old Man McGucket’s nose makes_

_Dipper’s kitten sneezes_

_Pacific Northwest, Who Is Literally The Worst  
_

Though he rolls his eyes at the sixth card, he actually puts some thought into his answer instead of just flinging down a random choice as he had originally thought to do. He debates between the fourth and the last card until he realizes that everyone else has already played, and Mabel is staring at him intently, anticipation shining in her large eyes. 

Finally, he decides that the image of Pacifica sneaking in the window to steal pies would appeal to Mabel more (plus, he doesn’t exactly want to risk the Wrath of Stan) and plunks _Pacifica Northwest, Who is Literally The Worst_ on top of the pile. He feels the corners of his mouth curling up of their own volition, without any prompting from Mabel’s pointer fingers. Though he was reluctantly to admit it at first, he foresees hours of entertainment from this crazy little game.


End file.
